The Big Question

When I started attending DivorceCare I was pretty sure the Big Question would come up. It was just a matter of when. I really wanted to avoid it but I also knew I was going to have to face it sooner or later. Finally, I did face it and now, Dear Reader, it’s time to write about it.

The story starts with knowing that I am a Christ-follower and as well as a divorced person. And not only am I a divorced person but I am the one who initiated the divorce. If you’re familiar with the Bible at all you probably know that it contains a lot of admonitions about divorce. And I would venture to say that if you’re a divorced person, Christian or not, you have probably struggled with the Big Question just like I have. Churches and church people aren’t the only ones who look down on divorce and divorced people. I would even go so far as suggesting that as divorced people, we look down on ourselves. We don’t need someone else to do it for us. So when my marriage was in trouble, I avoided considering a separation much less divorce. However, the time came when I felt the only choice I had was a separation. As time went on, I came to the point where I knew divorce was the path for me. In the back of my mind was the fear and knowledge that divorce was not the way God had ordained marriage to end. And it wasn’t the way I had ever dreamed my marriage would end either.

Now, I’m not a Bible scholar or a theologian or any of those lofty things. I am simply a Christ-follower who has read and studied the Bible quite a lot. I love the Bible. I believe it’s the unfolding of God’s plan for humankind and the blueprint for how to live life. I know that the Bible contains certain admonitions and even judgements that are called into force by divorce. Quick review of what the Bible says: God says “I hate divorce” in the Old Testament in Malachi 2:16. That’s strong language. Then in the New Testament, Matthew 19:3-9 and Mark 10:2-12 are both descriptions of a question-and-answer session between Jesus and the Pharisees about divorce. Moses allowed divorce and Jesus explains that it wasn’t God’s desire; it was because of the people’s “hardness of heart”. One of Jesus’ answers about divorce is that if a man divorces his wife and he marries another woman, he is committing adultery. Then in the Mark passage, Jesus includes the woman in the judgement; if she divorces her husband and marries another man she is committing adultery. There’s a lot to unpack in these verses and there are also more scripture passages that refer to marriage as “until death do us part” but no matter how you look at it the bottom line is divorce is not God’s plan, it does not make him happy and there are consequences.

So the Big Question is: if these verses describe God’s attitude about divorce and Jesus’ teaching about divorce, where does that leave the divorced person? How can the divorced person come to grips with what they have done by divorcing and what God says about it? Can the divorced person move on from divorce and have a fulfilling, contented life whether or not they remarry? And maintain their Christ-follower status? See, it is a Big Question, isn’t it?

Of course, there was a whole session on the Big Question in DivorceCare. It was a very uncomfortable session for me and, I imagine, everyone else in the class. So what tact do you think I took? Rationalization, of course. Butch did this and he did that. I had no other choice. We had been in counseling and it didn’t work. Blah, blah, blah. Rationalizations. But still I ruminated on the Big Question and prayed about it–sort of, I was afraid of what God might tell me–and journaled about it and talked to my counselor about it. But, still, no definitive answer.

As I struggled with the Big Question I slowly, very slowly, let go of the rationalizations and began to be more honest about the reasons for the demise of my marriage, really honest, painfully honest. I journaled about these things and I talked to God about them, admitting to him what I had done. And I asked forgiveness. And it was really difficult. Definitely not a feel-good exercise. I was frequently sad and remorseful. I had regrets I needed to admit. Then I asked for forgiveness again. The more I honestly struggled and the more I owned up to ways I had behaved in my marriage, hurtful things I said or did, unhealthy ways I related to Butch, and the more I sincerely asked for forgiveness, the lighter I felt and the less I struggled.

Time passed and it seemed like God was still with me. He did not fail me or kick me out of the fold. No. It seemed that I was still accepted. That he heard my prayers. I felt his presence. So what was that about? All the admonitions and warnings and consequences. It slowly dawned on me that in all the divorce talk from God, he never declares divorce as the unforgivable sin. He never says “I don’t love divorced people”. Yes, there are consequences but we are not thrown to the wolves. We still get to sleep in the fold with the other sheep, graze in the green pastures and sip the still water. That was comforting. No, it was more than comforting. It was a big WOW! All I could say was a big “Thank you, Father.” I began to put my doubts and struggles about the Big Question in the place I put questions I consider settled: in the back of my mind where they stay until something pulls it to the front of my mind. And then one day…

It was in Bible study. We were studying the passage in Matthew I mentioned above. One of the women was divorced and she had remarried and been happily married for several years. She was tearful and distraught, struggling with the admonition that, because she had remarried, she was committing adultery. She had a beautiful marriage and her husband was a caring, loving man. They both loved God and were Christ-followers. A few women were sympathetic and encouraged her. As I listened, my heart broke for her. I hesitated but finally I told her my story, how I had struggled with the Big Question, that divorce was not the unforgivable sin; that, of course, our hearts were hardened, we were humans. God will forgive us as he promises to forgive all the times we let him down. And we still get to enjoy all the blessings of being a Christ-follower. Not to pat myself on the back, but that’s the truth that divorced people need to hear, that they long to hear. She told me later that she finally took hold of the grace that God had extended to her all along. Her burden was lifted. I will never forget the brilliant smile on her face when she told me these things.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Hearing or reading the truth of forgiveness and grace is one thing. But if a divorced person is struggling with the Big Question, whether a Christ-follower or not, I believe the struggle is a very personal one. No one can do it for you. A counselor or wise friend can only help. But it is up to the struggler to figure out their own answer to the Big Question. If you are a divorced person and the Big Question bothers you, I want to encourage you to go through the struggle. It’s not easy but in the end it’s rewarding. In my experience, finding my answer was the path to recovery from my divorce and the foundation for my life after divorce.

Thanks for hanging in there with me through this post. I’d love to know what you think about the Big Question and, if you have struggled with it, what you learned. So drop a comment. It can be private between you and me, or tell me you’re ok for it to be shared with other readers.

Woodpile Kitty ATX