Sometimes I Need a Little Help

Usually I think I can do everything myself. And that’s really how I prefer to roll. But sometimes, o.k., rarely, I know I need help and I get help. In the fall of 2015 my divorce was underway; we were beginning to work out our settlement. I knew I needed help to get through all of it. I was continuing to see the counselor Butch and I had been seeing together when we were married, driving back and forth each week or two for sessions. But I needed more. I had heard a lot about DivorceCare from a friend of mine who divorced a few years before I did. She had participated in DivorceCare at a local San Antonio church. She loved it and derived a lot of help and support from it and also made some good friends. So when I returned home from Australia, I found a class near me and started going. I had missed the first couple of classes because of my trip but the leaders let me start anyway because I hadn’t missed so much that I couldn’t catch up.

For those of you who don’t know about DivorceCare, it is a worldwide network of divorce recovery support groups. It is a faith-based program whose goal is to help the divorced person find hope for their future and experience God’s healing. In fact, a person doesn’t have to be divorced or even separated in order to attend. It’s helpful even for someone who is just considering divorce. Classes are very easy to find by going to DivorceCare.org. Currently in Austin, there are 6 classes held on a virtual platform each week from various locations in Austin, usually churches. Some locations also offer DC for kids which meets at the same time as the adult class. There are thousands of classes worldwide so it’s pretty easy to find one no matter where you live. *

In late September when I returned from Australia, I was already dreading the holidays and didn’t know whether to mark them with the usual celebrations or just ignore for one year. But my kids took the reins. They understood that the holidays would change but they wanted these last holidays with officially married parents to be as much as possible like they had always been. And they were willing to do all the planning–a big plus. Trey was leading the charge and would host Thanksgiving in Marfa, Texas, where he lives. I wanted them to be comfortable with the changes that were happening in their lives so I was willing to do whatever it took to accomplish that. I said yes even though I knew it would be hard. Silly me. I had no idea how hard it would be. I told myself I could do anything for one day or for a couple of days, right? I was bigger than that, a mature adult. And it was for my kids. It was just a big meal, no gifts and hoopla like at Christmas. In a town six hours from Austin. Not easy to turn around and go home. But doable. Right?

Then DivorceCare came to my rescue. In early November there was a special class called “Surviving the Holidays”. And surviving is the operative word. For this one class, people are invited who have been in classes at any location. People are also invited to come who have never been in DivorceCare (normally people who have expressed interest about the next class). It’s run much like a normal DC session with a video and small group discussion followed by a bit of large group sharing.

In the “Surviving the Holidays” seminar, my suspicion that the holidays would be difficult was confirmed. There really was no getting around it. But the most helpful strategy I learned was to have a plan. No matter how elaborate or simple–simple is best–just have a plan. And also scaling back on the activities in which to participate. Well, while there was a plan for a big family to-do–no scaling back there–I had a personal plan for my emotional well-being which was to just walk away from any situation that was uncomfortable. From my perspective, Thanksgiving was the big holiday hurdle because at Christmas my nephew, Rhys, and his fiancé were going to be in Austin from Australia. This would create so much difference from our usual Christmas that I didn’t anticipate it being anything but a blimp on the emotional calendar. However, first I had to get through Thanksgiving.

The holidays have so many expectations attached and so much emotion wrapped up in them even in the best of times. There are cherished memories that beg to be recreated. Sometimes disagreements and agitation boils under the surface waiting to spill over. And then with divorce, there are a myriad of changes some evident and some hidden to be navigated. When you mix that in with a big dose of emotions that run the gamut from love to anger in 20 seconds flat, the holiday becomes a minefield that cannot be ignored. All of this was roiling inside of me as Thanksgiving Day approached.

Then Butch decided not to come. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Silly girl.

During the “Surviving the Holidays” session, I didn’t know how much I was going to need what I was learning. However when “Living the Holidays” started, I quickly realized how much I needed it.

I drove to Marfa with Joe and Meredith and 18 month old Emy on Wednesday. We were booked into a BnB, a charming west Texas style casita owned by one of Trey’s friends.

On Thursday morning, I went to Trey’s and helped him with dinner. Then people started arriving. Trey had invited Meredith’s mom, Kandace, and her partner, Theo, who were on their annual winter trek to Big Bend which is close to Marfa (that’s “close” in west Texas terms). Also, Trey’s really good friends, Thomas and Belle who have a little boy, Ellis, just about Emy’s age. It was a good mix of people of all ages and interests. Then Trey’s meat thermometer broke just as he was checking to see if the turkey was done. So, as you do in Marfa, he posted on MarfaList asking if anyone had a meat thermometer and one of his good friends, Rose, had one. Trey invited her and her mom to join us since they were since they were coming anyway to bring the thermometer. A delightful collection of family and friends. I knew all these people and always enjoyed their company. Although Rose’s mom was new to me but I enjoy meeting new people–usually. On this particular day, however, I was completely blindsided by how overwhelmed I was: the noise, people everywhere, talking and laughing, kitchen commotion. Everyone was having fun. I needed some quiet. So I went outside.

I found Emy and Ellis playing in the street in a water puddle (you could not do that in Austin!) being watched over by parents. Soon almost everyone was out there watching the kids doing their cute thing. Theo drove up on his motorcycle. It was then that I knew if I made it through even the meal it would be a miracle.

Deep breaths.

A glass of wine or two.

Scrumptious meal.

Deep breaths.

Multiple desserts–it’s Thanksgiving, after all.

Another glass of wine.

I looked around.

People were leaving.

I made it! Without a meltdown.

That evening as I lay in bed playing my personal video of the day in my head, I chastised myself for how arrogant I had been to think for even one moment that I would breeze through Thanksgiving as if my world wasn’t falling apart. Silly girl! When will you ever learn? Now. Now, after it’s all over.

Last year we all–Butch and his new wife, Nancy, one of Nancy’s daughters and her boyfriend, along with Andy, Joe and Meredith, Emy and I all went to Trey’s for Thanksgiving again because the Sunday after Thanksgiving was Trey’s 50th birthday. Memories of Thanksgiving 2015 flashed in my mind as I prepared for the trip. I had been with Butch and Nancy on other occasions but this was a multi-day event. This time was different. I didn’t deny that it would be difficult; I expected it to be difficult. I was not disappointed. However, I was prepared intellectually and emotionally. And I made it, very well, I might add. There was just that teeny-weeny little tantrum when I walked out on a game of dominoes. I learned some things about myself that weekend and left Marfa feeling much stronger and confident about who I am and what I could manage.

Now this year, Butch and Nancy have invited me to their house for Thanksgiving with all the family: all the kids, Butch’s and mine and Nancy’s. This is a gigantic step for me. I have not committed yet, although I made a hotel reservation just in case. If I go it will be with eyes, as well as mind, wide open. And for good measure, my heart open too.

Moral of this story: If you or someone you know is facing difficult holidays because of loss of any kind whether divorce or the death or estrangement of a loved one, accept that it will be difficult, probably more difficult than you imagine. Give yourself and them permission to bow out of festivities. If you participate, think through each step and each person you will see and have a plan for whatever eventuality may occur. Decide ahead of time what you need to do to take care of yourself. Enlist a trusted person to lean on. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t meet your expectations or anyone else’s. Only you know how you are feeling and you are only responsible to yourself. You’ll get to the other side of the holidays. January will come. And you’ll be much stronger when you turn the calendar page to 2021.

The really good news? It’s almost a whole year until the next holiday season. Thank you, God.

* Divorce Care classes are effected by COVID-19 precautions. So check their website DivorceCare.org for the latest information on classes.