Tag: DivorceCare

An Interim Solution

In one of my first posts since re-starting my blog, My ATX Story, I described how I decided to move to Austin in 2015. This post picks up with me living in a one-bedroom apartment that I had first sub-leased and then quickly leased for another year.

After living in a 900-square-foot apartment for a year, I had gotten a little claustrophobic and yearned to spread out a bit more. Not that I had a lot of stuff to spread out. I didn’t take much with me when I moved from the house I had when I was married and I hadn’t collected a lot of stuff since then either. For one reason, I didn’t have the space to put a lot of things. But more than that, I just don’t like having a lot of stuff to buy, care for and store. But more space would be nice especially so I could have friends and family over and also for a change of scenery even if I was only moving from one room to another.

With the stuff I did have the one-bedroom was cramped. My granddaughter’s toys were all over the place; my desk and dining table filled the dining room that was really more like a cove; my bedroom was shared with Emy’s pack ‘n’ play. I simply needed more room. I was an adult woman after all. I wanted to live like an adult, not a college student. So I started toying with the idea of buying a house. Just toying. Finances put a damper on my toying. And the reality of maintenance. At the apartment all I had to do was place a service request online and someone came pretty quickly to take care of whatever problem I was having (that is a problem with my apartment, not the rest of my life which could have used some maintenance as well). I looked around a little at houses in neighborhoods that were in the south Austin part of town where my apartment complex was. But the thoughts and what-ifs swirled in my head.

The most overwhelming question I had was could I afford a house. After all I was going to buy a house in Austin and that’s not a cheap proposition. I needed help.

Through my DivorceCare class I had access to financial planning help that was free of charge. This isn’t a regular DivorceCare offering, but the leaders of my group knew a retired financial planner named Paul whose purpose in retirement was to offer financial planning and advice to anyone who needed it. And when you’re getting a divorce, you definitely need financial advice. So I called him and made an appointment. I was nervous because I don’t understand finances and accounting very well. And, at that point in my divorced life, I didn’t feel confident that I understood what my resources were or how to manage them or almost anything else about them. Oh, sure I knew the amounts in my accounts but I needed help to look into the future. Admitting that now is embarrassing. But that’s the truth of it. I was afraid of the future and making a bad decision and suffering because of it.

My first meeting with Paul was over the phone because he was in Michigan spending the summer away from hot Texas. Our conversation was like a doctor taking my medical history. He asked a lot of questions, some I could answer and some, sadly, I could not. He set another meeting. But this time he wanted me to prepare a budget. Yikes! How do I do that? I panicked, of course. Then I settled down and got out my bank statements, credit card statements, and opened Excel. And started entering numbers into categories. A couple of weeks and a lot of sweat later, I gathered up my budget and met with Paul in person. He had some suggestions and helped me analyze the budget. I went home and worked on it again. A couple of more weeks and we had another meeting. This time my budget was acceptable and realistic and told a story that would probably have a happy ending. I was not destitute or an idiot or kidding myself. I had a good idea where I stood financially. I was still afraid of the future and making a bad decision and suffering because of it. But I was on the way to understanding and had some confidence that I had the ability to get my financial house in order or, at least, presentable.

I told Paul I was thinking about buying a house. He asked very intelligent questions–he really was good at the question thing–like where did I want this house to be and what price range. I told him in south Austin where I was currently living and about $250,000. He gave me another assignment: Make a budget for a $250,000 house and come back and see me in 2 weeks. Gulp! Oh, my. Now the truth will be revealed.

During this time, I announced to my kids and close friends that I was thinking about buying a house. Everyone was supportive and understood why I wanted a bigger, more permanent place. Some offered ideas of where to look and what to look for. But all the while in the back of my mind were the same questions. Am I ready for the financial responsibility and the maintenance that a house would require? Could I find, purchase, and care for a house on my own? I tried not to dwell on all those questions. I just kept moving forward and working on my budget.

Finally one day I was talking with my oldest son and I came clean about my concerns and fears. He patiently listened. When I was finished with my litany, he said, “Mom, it sounds like you aren’t ready to make the commitment. And that’s ok. You don’t have to buy a house right now. Maybe you should just consider an interim solution. A bigger place but not a purchase. Maybe rent a house or a bigger apartment.”

An interim solution. The perfect thing. Yes, that’s what I needed. Just a move to something a bigger but without the big financial commitment. So I got to work on another budget, this one for a two-bedroom apartment in my same complex. Suddenly it was easier to think about my next move. The pressure was off. Just an interim solution. I didn’t need to come up with the final solution to my housing needs. Just the next step. Whew!

At my next meeting with Paul, I presented both budgets and explained to him about the interim solution. As it turned out I could afford either the house or the apartment. When I got finished talking about all the various points of either solution, Paul asked me what I thought was the best alternative. That was one thing I liked about working with Paul; he never told me what to do, he let me figure it out on my own. He was my safety net. I announced that I was going with the two-bedroom apartment. He got a big grin on his face and said, “That’s the perfect decision. That’s exactly what I would advise.” I felt like I had gotten an A+++ on my end of the semester project! Wow, I made a good decision all on my own. Yes, I had a little help from my friends, but the decision was all mine.

I left that meeting with Paul without scheduling a follow up. He said if I needed to talk to him just give him a call. I was elated when I left that day. I felt like a real adult. Now, time to talk to the apartment management and get my new place nailed down.

Moving’ on up!

Woodpile Kitty ATX

The Big Question

When I started attending DivorceCare I was pretty sure the Big Question would come up. It was just a matter of when. I really wanted to avoid it but I also knew I was going to have to face it sooner or later. Finally, I did face it and now, Dear Reader, it’s time to write about it.

The story starts with knowing that I am a Christ-follower and as well as a divorced person. And not only am I a divorced person but I am the one who initiated the divorce. If you’re familiar with the Bible at all you probably know that it contains a lot of admonitions about divorce. And I would venture to say that if you’re a divorced person, Christian or not, you have probably struggled with the Big Question just like I have. Churches and church people aren’t the only ones who look down on divorce and divorced people. I would even go so far as suggesting that as divorced people, we look down on ourselves. We don’t need someone else to do it for us. So when my marriage was in trouble, I avoided considering a separation much less divorce. However, the time came when I felt the only choice I had was a separation. As time went on, I came to the point where I knew divorce was the path for me. In the back of my mind was the fear and knowledge that divorce was not the way God had ordained marriage to end. And it wasn’t the way I had ever dreamed my marriage would end either.

Now, I’m not a Bible scholar or a theologian or any of those lofty things. I am simply a Christ-follower who has read and studied the Bible quite a lot. I love the Bible. I believe it’s the unfolding of God’s plan for humankind and the blueprint for how to live life. I know that the Bible contains certain admonitions and even judgements that are called into force by divorce. Quick review of what the Bible says: God says “I hate divorce” in the Old Testament in Malachi 2:16. That’s strong language. Then in the New Testament, Matthew 19:3-9 and Mark 10:2-12 are both descriptions of a question-and-answer session between Jesus and the Pharisees about divorce. Moses allowed divorce and Jesus explains that it wasn’t God’s desire; it was because of the people’s “hardness of heart”. One of Jesus’ answers about divorce is that if a man divorces his wife and he marries another woman, he is committing adultery. Then in the Mark passage, Jesus includes the woman in the judgement; if she divorces her husband and marries another man she is committing adultery. There’s a lot to unpack in these verses and there are also more scripture passages that refer to marriage as “until death do us part” but no matter how you look at it the bottom line is divorce is not God’s plan, it does not make him happy and there are consequences.

So the Big Question is: if these verses describe God’s attitude about divorce and Jesus’ teaching about divorce, where does that leave the divorced person? How can the divorced person come to grips with what they have done by divorcing and what God says about it? Can the divorced person move on from divorce and have a fulfilling, contented life whether or not they remarry? And maintain their Christ-follower status? See, it is a Big Question, isn’t it?

Of course, there was a whole session on the Big Question in DivorceCare. It was a very uncomfortable session for me and, I imagine, everyone else in the class. So what tact do you think I took? Rationalization, of course. Butch did this and he did that. I had no other choice. We had been in counseling and it didn’t work. Blah, blah, blah. Rationalizations. But still I ruminated on the Big Question and prayed about it–sort of, I was afraid of what God might tell me–and journaled about it and talked to my counselor about it. But, still, no definitive answer.

As I struggled with the Big Question I slowly, very slowly, let go of the rationalizations and began to be more honest about the reasons for the demise of my marriage, really honest, painfully honest. I journaled about these things and I talked to God about them, admitting to him what I had done. And I asked forgiveness. And it was really difficult. Definitely not a feel-good exercise. I was frequently sad and remorseful. I had regrets I needed to admit. Then I asked for forgiveness again. The more I honestly struggled and the more I owned up to ways I had behaved in my marriage, hurtful things I said or did, unhealthy ways I related to Butch, and the more I sincerely asked for forgiveness, the lighter I felt and the less I struggled.

Time passed and it seemed like God was still with me. He did not fail me or kick me out of the fold. No. It seemed that I was still accepted. That he heard my prayers. I felt his presence. So what was that about? All the admonitions and warnings and consequences. It slowly dawned on me that in all the divorce talk from God, he never declares divorce as the unforgivable sin. He never says “I don’t love divorced people”. Yes, there are consequences but we are not thrown to the wolves. We still get to sleep in the fold with the other sheep, graze in the green pastures and sip the still water. That was comforting. No, it was more than comforting. It was a big WOW! All I could say was a big “Thank you, Father.” I began to put my doubts and struggles about the Big Question in the place I put questions I consider settled: in the back of my mind where they stay until something pulls it to the front of my mind. And then one day…

It was in Bible study. We were studying the passage in Matthew I mentioned above. One of the women was divorced and she had remarried and been happily married for several years. She was tearful and distraught, struggling with the admonition that, because she had remarried, she was committing adultery. She had a beautiful marriage and her husband was a caring, loving man. They both loved God and were Christ-followers. A few women were sympathetic and encouraged her. As I listened, my heart broke for her. I hesitated but finally I told her my story, how I had struggled with the Big Question, that divorce was not the unforgivable sin; that, of course, our hearts were hardened, we were humans. God will forgive us as he promises to forgive all the times we let him down. And we still get to enjoy all the blessings of being a Christ-follower. Not to pat myself on the back, but that’s the truth that divorced people need to hear, that they long to hear. She told me later that she finally took hold of the grace that God had extended to her all along. Her burden was lifted. I will never forget the brilliant smile on her face when she told me these things.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Hearing or reading the truth of forgiveness and grace is one thing. But if a divorced person is struggling with the Big Question, whether a Christ-follower or not, I believe the struggle is a very personal one. No one can do it for you. A counselor or wise friend can only help. But it is up to the struggler to figure out their own answer to the Big Question. If you are a divorced person and the Big Question bothers you, I want to encourage you to go through the struggle. It’s not easy but in the end it’s rewarding. In my experience, finding my answer was the path to recovery from my divorce and the foundation for my life after divorce.

Thanks for hanging in there with me through this post. I’d love to know what you think about the Big Question and, if you have struggled with it, what you learned. So drop a comment. It can be private between you and me, or tell me you’re ok for it to be shared with other readers.

Woodpile Kitty ATX

And Then I Needed a Little More Help

In an earlier post titled “Sometimes I Need a Little Help“, I introduced you to DivorceCare in a story about the first holiday season after Butch and I separated. It’s a story about how DivorceCare helped me at a time when I didn’t even know I needed help. The experience revealed to me that in order to get through the experience of  divorce, there were going to be times when I would need help. The holidays were just the first lesson.

The next lesson began shortly after our divorce was final on December 2, 2015.

The first thing you should understand before I tell you my story is that during our marriage Butch handled most of our finances. We talked about them and made decisions together although I relied heavily on his opinions regarding the best decision to make. I knew what was going on with our finances; I just didn’t do any of the actual work. I also knew that I was unprepared for financial life on my own.

During our separation and the process of divorce, Butch and I kept all our finances together just like they were during our marriage. However, before our divorce was final we had already separated some things that each of us used frequently like credit cards and our Amazon account. We were going to file our income taxes jointly in 2015 for the last time since our divorce was final so near the end of the year. Since Butch had all the records, he gathered all of that up for our CPA. I was very glad about that because, as I explained, that sort of thing was completely out of my wheelhouse. I definitely did not have those skills in my toolbox. (Let’s see. Is there one more cliche I can use? Nope, can’t think of one.) With the divorce final, we began separating our finances in earnest. Untangling is a better word for it because, after forty-six years of marriage, money and assets had really gotten tangled up.

There were some things like the real estate we owned that were going to be complicated to work out. And then there were easier things like separating our cell phone bill which turned out to be somewhat difficult. I did that one because I was the primary account holder. However, I’m pleased to report that I managed quite well. And medical insurance. Oh, my, I don’t even want to think about that again much less write about it! Causes my heart to pound just to write that I don’t want to write about it. Simply put, there was a lot of work to do to untangle our accounts. Due to my financial inexperience, I faced a long, steep learning curve and one I had to manage very quickly. It was a baptism by fire.

All of the untangling usually began online, of course. And sometimes it could all be done online. But, as you know, something that’s done online always requires a password. Because I hardly ever logged into some of the accounts, seeing that box labeled “Password” made my mind slip into a fuzzy blankness. Password? What’s a password? Am I supposed to know that? All the untangling was very hard on my brain. And caused a lot of stress.

Besides the password thing, Butch and I had to sometimes communicate about where we were in the process with some account or other. Or the worst was one of us, usually me, made a mistake that required a lot of extra time to straighten out causing additional stress. Those conversations held their own brand of stress just because of the nature of our relationship post-divorce. We didn’t yell or call each other names. There was simply a lot of emotion around interacting with each other.

But, and this won’t surprise you if you’ve read many of my posts, I thought I was handling it just fine. Then I starting noticing that I was crying more than usual. I am a big cryer so I wasn’t alarmed until I found myself crumpled on the floor crying one afternoon. “Hmm…,” I said to myself, “Maybe this isn’t normal crying”.

Then came the afternoon when I was so frustrated and stressed that I turned off all the lights, pulled the drapes, fixed myself a drink and watched Netflix for the rest of the day. “Yep”, I said to myself, “this is definitely not normal.”

Shortly after that I was scheduled for a follow-up visit with my primary care doctor. I was determined to be honest about what was going on in my life and ask for an anti-depressant. So I did. He was very understanding and didn’t give me a hard time or ask a lot of judgmental questions. He asked questions, of course, but just normal need-to-know sorts of questions. And he wrote me a prescription. My first anti-depressant. Another first to put on my “First Things I’ve Done on My Own” list.

Just in case things weren’t crazy enough, I was going back to Australia for my nephew’s wedding in February. So in the midst of untangling and depression, I was planning and packing for a trip to the other side of the world. By the time I left, I had been taking the anti-depressant for only a few days and I couldn’t tell if it was working because of the travel. But at least I wasn’t lying on the floor crying with a drink in my hand.

When I got back from my trip, there was still some untangling to be done. I found I was better able to face the situation and the word “password” didn’t give me fuzzy brain. I think it was sometime in March by the time everything was settled. I remember sending an email to Butch describing some untangling issue I had untangled and thinking that’s it, the last thread is untangled. I sent the email and went for a run, a very invigorating, satisfying run.

Asking for help is never easy for me. And admitting that I needed medical help was especially hard to overcome. But I’m so glad I did. The medication relieved my depression so I could function. And no side effects. After about six months I felt like I didn’t need them and weaned myself off. Then I visited my new Austin dentist. After a very thorough examination, he explained to me that I needed a new crown and an old one needed to be re-done. I cried. That probably doesn’t surprise you like it surprised me. I went home and started taking the anti-depressant again. Apparently I wasn’t bullet-proof. Six months later, I weaned myself off again. I haven’t had to take them again, although I have learned enough not to pronounce myself bullet-proof.

Sometimes I need a little help. Yes, that was me saying that. It’s still very hard for me to ask for help. Whether it’s a big or little thing, it’s hard. But I’ve learned that if I ask and get help I feel better that I had a helper in the task or decision and my helper is happy that they could be, well, helpful. We are both blessed in the process. Even if my helper is my doctor and the help is an anti-depressant.

I’ve had to learn the lesson over and over again. And the lesson is: Need help? Make like Nike and just ask for it.

Thanks for dropping by for a read. I hope you found my story helpful.

Be safe and stay well,

Woodpile Kitty ATX