It’s Hard to See From Here

I was in an intimate conversation last night. It brought back memories of sitting up late at night with my best friend in high school and baring my soul, telling my inmost secrets, desires and goals. Crying and laughing with her. That doesn’t happen often in my grown-up life.I would rather encourage my conversation partner to talk about herself than reveal anything about myself. It’s hard to see from here how to be intimate with another person. And yet, that’s what I yearn for.

With so many ways to communicate–email, Facebook, Twitter–I feel like I’m communicating more. But am I actually communicating meaningfully? Just before I started writing this post, I wanted to communicate with a young woman I am mentoring. I began writing an email thinking it’s the easiest way for both of us. I can get started doing what I want quicker and she can read it at her leisure and answer when she’s ready. Then I stopped myself. I am her mentor, for goodness sake! If I am going to resort to email and not a personal call, how are we going to build a strong, caring relationship which is integral to the mentoring process. I clicked the email closed, picked up the phone and talked to her.

Engaging in and developing the art of intimate conversation is new to me. It is difficult for me to reveal myself. Talking about the details of my life is not comfortable. Looking the other person in the eye, allowing tears to flow, laughter to well up, concern to show, none of this is comfortable for me. And yet, I crave sharing this kind of intimacy with my friends.

Last night in the intimate conversation, I made an announcement about completing something I had been struggling with for months. My companions heard me; they reacted to my announcement. But not like I had hoped they would. I was hurt. It’s hard to see from here, but perhaps, I thought, in this relationship I am not expected to struggle with this sort of thing. That did not soothe my hurt.

In the light of day, I have been analyzing what happened and I have concluded that it is hard to see from any one person’s perspective what’s happening in a conversation. Each participant brings expectations and needs to the table. When I arrived at the scene, I yearned for intimate conversation, for a place to reveal my struggle and my triumph, a place to receive affirmation and congratulations. With expectations and needs clouding my vision, it was hard for me to see from there.

So I am endeavoring to learn how to do this intimate thing. It’s hard to see from here, but I have made progress. Even though I left last night’s conversation with hurt feelings, I did reveal a struggle, what I am really doing and how I am really doing. Maybe next time, it will be easier for me to see from here, express myself better, make a better contribution to the intimacy, and open my hurt feelings to the balm of friendship.